The Scenic Route of All Things (PDF)
I’ve climbed rocky peaks and descended into deep canyons. I’ve traversed weather-beaten ridges and trekked into places void of trails.
I’ve seen coyotes and buffalo, lizards and magpies, chipmunks and deer. I’ve stepped into each sea that borders the nation.
I’ve kayaked rivers — and fallen in them. I’ve lost belongings on suspension bridges, I’ve lost the trail and I’ve lost my group.
I’ve hobbled along with grape-sized blisters, I’ve tripped on roots, slid on rocks, stabbed my own hands, slashed my legs, banged my head, bumped my body and sprained various joints.
Through it all, my 2001 Ford hatchback (just passed 181,000 miles) carried me away and back.
More than 30,000 road trippin’ miles later, from sea to shining sea and over purple mountains’ majesty, I’ve learned a few things.
- Never stop at the first gas station in town. They know you’re desperate and the second station is always cheaper. (Sometimes by 50 cents or more if you’re in Texas.)
- When two tractor-trailers are going up hill as a pair, the one behind will try to pass the one in front just as you show up to pass them both. Ultimately, he will fail, and fall back in line while you hit your breaks. Hold your tongue if you have kids in the car.
--Update: read this for some more perspective here.-- - Religious zealots largely dominate local public radio, which brings me to this:
- There are way more “adult novelty shops” in the Bible belt than you’d ever expect.
- The word “motel” is short for, “We won’t charge you mo’ if you don’t ‘tel us to give you clean towels.
- Bodies of water are drawn in blue on maps, when in reality most flowing bodies of water are muddy brown or moldy green. Some are gray.
- When hiking all day, some buzzing insects begin to sound like human voices far away. Others sound like B-52s.
- No matter how alone you think you are, no matter how remote you may be, no matter how horribly difficult the terrain is, someone else almost always shows up just as the sun is setting. Sometimes they yell loudly in German.
- The most beautiful girl in the South works as a waitress in Meridian, Mississippi.
- But the most important thing is also the simplest thing. Take the scenic route.
This country is vast and beautiful. There are thousands of miles of interstates dotted with national chain companies you’ve seen before. There are also thousands more
miles of country roads, state routes, back alleys and questionable forest routes.
Mind speed limits, though, especially on the smaller roads. Actually, forget that one.
It’s how I met the nicest police officer who suggested camping spots near his local Idaho town.
So I say again, take the scenic route.
And trust me about the girl in Mississippi.
I am easily contacted by e-mail. My address is 2001 Ford Focus, USA.